55+ Funniest Jokes of All Time That Will Make You Laugh Like Never Before!

Funniest Jokes of All Time

Funniest Jokes of All Time - Photo by Brooke Cagle from Unsplash

The thing about these funniest jokes of all time is the fact that they can get everyone into the circle, they are also great as jokes for kids. Let’s just take a look at these jokes – get ready!

• "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead. ”There’s a silence then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”"

• "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”"

• "A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”"

• “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

• "A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”"

• "In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”"

• "A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”"

• "A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”"

• "A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”"

• “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

• "A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”"

• "The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”"

• "For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.” After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”"

• "The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained. “That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.” “But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer. “No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.” Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.” “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”"

Funniest Dad Jokes of All Time

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We all know how funny dad jokes are. These funniest jokes of all time are perfect to share during Father’s Day or a special occasion.

• "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."

• "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."

• "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"

• "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

• "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."

• "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

• "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."

• "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."

• "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."

• "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"

• "What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."

• "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."

• "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"

• "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

• "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."

• "It takes guts to be an organ donor."

• "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

• "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

• "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."

• "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."

Funniest Long Jokes of All Time

Funniest Jokes of All Time - Photo by Andres Ayrton from Pexels

The great thing about love jokes is they can gather your attention until the last thing they hear, and that would the be the plot that will make them all laugh. Here are Tripboba’s version of long funniest jokes of all time you need to know:

• "A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!” “Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?” The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”"

• "Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.” The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”"

• "A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”"

• "A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”"

• "A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist replies “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…” The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?” And the guy says, “Your light was on.”"

• "A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.” “So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”"

• "A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”"

• “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”

• "The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith."

• "Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”"

• Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only ten to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”

• "Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”"

• "A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. “Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.” “Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.” “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.” “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”"

• "As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?” “No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

• "There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did, I’d only break them.” Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”"

Top Ten Funniest Jokes of All Time

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Here are what Tripboba has found on 10 funniest jokes of all time:

• “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

• “And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal.” But John come fifth, and won a toaster.”

• “I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.”

• “My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.”

• “You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”

• “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.”

• “Someone stole my mood ring, I don’t know how I feel about that.”

• “My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.”

• “Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.”

• “You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as bad example.”