Funny Dark Humor Quotes

Funny Dark Humor Quotes
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Check some of these funny dark humor quotes.

  • “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.” ― Robert Bloch

  • “What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?” ― Jess C. Scott, I'm Pretty

  • “I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.” ― Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

  • “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” — W. H. Auden

  • “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

  • “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.” — Edward Abbey

  • “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett

  • “There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.” — Vladimir Nabokov

  • “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” — Mark Twain

  • “Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.” — E. B. White

  • “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” — Don Marquis

  • “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” — Saul Bellow

  • “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

  • “If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.” — Marcelene Cox

  • “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” — Theodore Roosevelt

  • “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.” — Franklin P. Jones

  • “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.” — Bob Hope

  • “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.” — Robert Bloch

  • “I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.” — Emo Philips

  • “What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.” — Christopher Fry

  • “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

  • “Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.” — H. L. Mencken

Dark Humor Friendship Quotes

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These dark humor quotes will tell you how funny the friendship is.

  • “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.” ― Brian P Cleary

  • “So I heard the boom of my father's rifle when he shot my best friend. A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.” ― Sherman Alexie,

  • “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.” ― DeAnne Smith

  • "Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!" - Unknown

  • "And that thought just cracked me up."

  • "It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.” ― Sherman Alexie,

  • “These friends or cretins rather are called Oompa Loompas and they got themselves a madder lust for chocolate than Wonka.” ― Nate Taylor

  • “If you have one friend in the end, it better be yourself.” ― Benjamin Aubrey Myers

  • “Oh hell, yeah! It is rather good to be un-dead. You, my dear friend, are welcome to be otherwise instead.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas

  • “If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.” ― Shannon L. Alder

  • “We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk.” ― Junot Díaz, Drown

  • "Finding friends with the same mental disorder... Priceless!" - Unknown

  • "It's as much fun to scare as to be scared." - Vincent Priceles

  • "You're weird... I like you." - Unknown

  • "You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I ever wanted in a friend." - Unknown

  • "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." - Robert Bloch

  • "Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried. - Charles Caleb Colton

  • "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." - Bernard Meltzer

  • "A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot." ― Brian P Cleary

  • "I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors." - Unknown

  • "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'" - Groucho Marx

  • "One sure way to lose another woman's friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements."- Marcelene Cox

  • "There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."- Benjamin Franklin

  • "A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body."- Jim Hayes

  • "Men kick friendship around like a football and it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it falls to pieces."- Anne Lindbergh

  • "Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected."- Charles Lamb

  • "The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."- Aaron Machado

  • "I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street."- Virginia Woolf

  • "Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes."- Friedrich Nietzsche

  • "I bet dying vultures have lots of awkward moments with their friends."- Guy Endore-Kaiser

  • "My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."- Dame Edna Everage

  • "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."- Groucho Marx

  • "I've always said that in politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you."- Ann Richards

  • "Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"- Bronwyn Polson

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