55 Funny Golf Quotes for All the Golfers, They are Hilarious!

Funny Golf Quotes from Movies

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The funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never written and not spoken by a golfer or celebrity. Many of them contain words and phrases that cannot decorate this slideshow.

To start off this funny golf quotes writing, we’re sharing the all-time greatest funny golf quotes from movies. Let’s take a look!

• "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." – John Updike, Author

• "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." – Jack Lemmon, Actor

• "We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance." – Bruce Lansky, Author

• "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake." – Henny Youngman, Comedian

• "The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." – Phyllis Diller, Comedian

• "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." – Chi Chi Rodriguez, Golfer

• “One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.” – Mac O'Grady, Golfer

• "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." – Jimmy Demaret, Golfer

• "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?" – U.S. Open Commentator

• "So, I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one—big hitter, the Lama—long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? "Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga." So, we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So, I got that goin' for me, which is nice. " – Carl Spackler, Greenskeeper

Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings

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After funny golf quotes from movies, we also have funny golf quotes and saying that come from many sources. You best to believe that they are the funniest!

• “Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player.” – Alice Cooper

• “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” – Ben Hogan

• “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald R. Ford

• “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle

• “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” – P.G. Wodehouse

• “As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” – Ben Hogan

• “I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.” – Ewan McGregor

• “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” – Dean Martin

• “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

• “Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” – Jim Murray

• “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer

• “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” – Bob Hope

• “I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive.” – George W. Bush

• “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” – Dave Barry

• “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” – P.G. Wodehouse

Funny Quotes about Golf

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Tripboba would like to share more funny golf quotes for you to fill your day with a dose of laughter!

• "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." – Chi Chi Rodriguez

• "If you have a golf-ball-sized consciousness, when you read a book, you'll have a golf-ball-sized understanding; when you look out a window, a golf-ball-sized awareness, when you wake up in the morning, a golf-ball-sized wakefulness; and as you go about your day, a golf-ball-sized inner happiness. But if you can expand that consciousness, make it grow, then when you read about that book, you'll have more understanding; when you look out, more awareness; when you wake up, more wakefulness; as you go about your day, more inner happiness." – David Lynch

• "By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport." – Julius Boros

• "Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose." – Woodrow Wilson

• "Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it. Then you hit it again." – Lon Hinkle

• "The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree." – Brian Weiss

• "One travels like a golf ball, hopping from green to green." – John Gunther

• "You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it." – Sam Snead

• "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." – Gerald R. Ford

• "If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron." – Lee Trevino

• "While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake." – Henny Youngman

• "Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end." – Chuck Hogan

• "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." – Sam Snead

• "The one place where I can relax is on the golf course with my teammates and buddies, assuming I'm hitting the golf ball well. If I'm not, well, that is another story." – Carson Palmer

• "Got more dirt than ball. Here we go again." – Alan Shepard

Funny Golf Ball Quotes

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The golf game couldn’t get funnier with these funny golf quotes. And the thing is, you won’t believe they come from personalities that are important. Let’s just have a look!

• "It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling." – Mark Twain

• "There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls." – Lee Trevino

• "May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters." – Ben Hogan

• "Most people play a fair game of golf - if you watch them." – Joey Lauren Adams

• "Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off." – Bruce Lansky

• "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies." – Bobby Jones

• "I always like to see a person stand up to a golf ball as though he were perfectly at home in its presence." – Bobby Jones

• "One thing I've learned over time is, if you hit a golf ball into water, it won't float." – Arnold Palmer

• "For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball." – Dave Barry

• "If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." – Bob Hope

• "Here were decent godless people; Their only monument the asphalt road and a thousand lost golf balls." – T. S. Eliot

• "The most important shot in golf is the next one." – Ben Hogan

• "Cyclists, I work with a number of cyclists. They are great athletes; they are great aerobic athletes. If you ask them to hit a baseball or golf ball, they can't do that." – Eric Heiden

• "I can't hit a ball more than 200 yards. I have no butt. You need a butt if you're going to hit a golf ball." – Dennis Quaid

• "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." – Winston Churchill