60 Witty Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings That Will Put a Smile on Your Face

Steven Wright comedian quotes

Best Steven Wright quotes

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

• Steven Wright quotes speed of light

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

• "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

• "always remember your unique, just like everone else"

• "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."

• "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

• "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."

• “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

• "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."

• "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

• "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

• "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

• "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps"

• "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

• "The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there."

• "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

More awesome quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

• "Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'"

• "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

• "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

• "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

• "I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered."

• "I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."

• “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

• “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

• “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

• “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

• “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

• “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

• “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

• “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Funny Steven Wright quotes

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

• "Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

• "If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

• "The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

• "Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."

• "When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

• "How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?"

• "Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."

• "Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."

• "If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?"

• "Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

• "Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

• "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

• "I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."

• "If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?"

• "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

Steven Wright quotes humor

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

• "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

• "If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"

• "If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland  called Holes?"

• "Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."

• "Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?"

• "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read""

• "Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?"

• "Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?"

• "How come abbreviated is such a long word?"

• "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

• "If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat"

• "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

• "I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him."

• "I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

• "If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"