60 Witty Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings That Will Put a Smile on Your Face

60 Witty Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings That Will Put a Smile on Your Face
Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

Tripboba.com - Steven Wright has been a staple on the comedy scene since the 80s, and his hilarious one-liners and incredibly witty, dead-pan delivery never fails to pull the giggles from your belly. He’s become one of the most-quoted comedy materials of all time, named one of Rolling Stone’s 50 Greatest Stand-Up Comics, and nominated for Grammy awards due to his incredible work.

So, if you need some good laugh, you’d absolutely love our collection of Steven Wright quotes in this segment. Down below, Tripboba has compiled a list of witty Steven Wright quotes that will freshen you up. So, keep the ball rolling and pick your favorite Steven Wright quotes!

Steven Wright comedian quotes

Best Steven Wright quotes

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

  • Steven Wright quotes speed of light

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

  • "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
  • "always remember your unique, just like everone else"
  • "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
  • "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
  • "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
  • “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”
  • "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
  • "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
  • "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
  • "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
  • "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps"
  • "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
  • "The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there."
  • "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

More awesome quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

  • "Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'"
  • "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
  • "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
  • "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
  • "I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered."
  • "I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."
  • “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
  • “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
  • “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
  • “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
  • “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
  • “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
  • “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
  • “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
  • “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Funny Steven Wright quotes

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

  • "Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
  • "If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
  • "The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
  • "Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."
  • "When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
  • "How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?"
  • "Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
  • "Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."
  • "If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?"
  • "Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
  • "Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"
  • "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
  • "I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."
  • "If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?"
  • "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

Steven Wright quotes humor

Steven Wright Quotes - Photo by Derrick Rossignol from Flickr

  • "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
  • "If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"
  • "If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland  called Holes?"
  • "Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."
  • "Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?"
  • "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read""
  • "Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?"
  • "Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?"
  • "How come abbreviated is such a long word?"
  • "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
  • "If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat"
  • "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
  • "I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him."
  • "I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
  • "If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"


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