Witty funny quotes


Witty sarcastic quotes

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We’ve compiled a list of top funny, sarcastic sayings and witty quotes about sarcasm.

  • “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” — Robin Williams, Actor
  • “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — Steven Wright
  • “You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.” — Robin Williams, Actor
  • “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
  • “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams, Actor
  • “I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” Steven Wright
  • “I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.” — Sarah Rees Brennan
  • “I became insane with long periods intervals of horrible sanity.” — Edgar Allen Poe, Writer
  • “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  • “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” — Robin Williams, Actor
  • “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” — Drew Carey, Comedian
  • “’Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.” ― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
  • “I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
  • “Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.” ― Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer

Witty wedding quotes

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Fancy giving guests a laugh during your wedding speech? Try these witty quotes about wedding and marriage life!

  • “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” — Groucho Marx
  • “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
  • “Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.” — Gene Perret
  • “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” — Sacha Guitry
  • “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” — Will Rogers
  • “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
  • “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
  • “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx
  • “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” — Max Kauffmann
  • “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
  • “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” — James Holt McGavran
  • “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” — Patrick Murray
  • “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” — Joey Adams
  • “Behind every great man – there’s a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
  • “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner


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