60+ The Life of Brian Quotes: Dark Jokes by Monty Python to Make You Laugh

The Life of Brian Quotes

Check more of Life of Brian Quotes down here.

• “Sex, sex, sex, that's all these kids talk about!” - Mandy Cohen

• "What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem." - Reg

• "Now, you listen here: 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now piss off!" - Mandy

• "And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock..." - Boring Prophet

• "A man shall strike his donkey." - Boring Prophet

• "... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah..." - Blood and Thunder Prophet

• "Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say:
  Some things in life are bad.
  They can really make you mad.
  Other things just make you swear and curse.
  When you're chewing on life's gristle,
  Don't grumble. Give a whistle.
  And this'll help things turn out for the best. And...
  Always look on the bright side of life.}- Mr. Frisbee III
  

• "Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!!!" - Pontius Pilate
  "Oh! It's blessed are the meek! I'm glad they're getting something, they had a hell of a time..." - Mrs. Gregory
  

• Brian: "Hello, Mother."
  Mandy: "Don't you "hello mother" me! What're all those people doing out there? C'mon, what've you been up to, my lad?"
  Brian: "I think they must've popped by, or something."
  Mandy: "Popped by? Swarmed by, more like! There's a multitude out there!"
  

• Person: "I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers."
  Mrs. Gregory: "What's so special about the cheesemakers?"
  Man: "Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products."

• "Alright, I AM the messiah! Now, FUCK OFF!" - Brian

• "He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called. She's called incontinentia, Incontinentia Buttocks." - Pontius Pilate

• "Welease Woger!" - Pontius Pilate

• "Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!" - Pontius Pilate

• Stan:" Alright, that's it! No more briefing! From now on, we take action!"
  Judith: (breaking into the room) "Brian's been caught! They're going to nail him up!"
  Stan: "Right! This calls for immediate discussion!"
  

• Revolutionary/Masked Commando: "Suicide squad... ATTACK!!! (whole group does hara-kiri) that'll show 'em, eh?" (dies)
  Brian: "You silly sods..."
  

• "Charity for an ex-lepor?" - Man
  

• Mr. Cheeky: "Oi, I think he just said bless be all the big noses!"
  Big Nose: "Alright, you say that ONCE more, and I'll punch you in the face!"
  Mrs. Big Nose: "Oh, leave him alone! And don't pick your nose!"
  Big Nose: "I wasn't picking it, I was scratching it!"
  

• Oh, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face." - Prisoner
  

Best Life of Brian Quotes

Photo by awesomefilmtrailers from YouTube

These are some best Life of Brian quotes and jokes.

• "He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!" - Mandy

• "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" - Man

• "You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! You're all different!" - Brian

• Reg: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"
  PFJ Member: "Brought peace?"
  Reg: "Oh, peace? SHUT UP!"
  

• Mandy: "So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?"
  Wise man: "Mmmm?"
  Mandy: "What star sign is he?"
  Wise man: "Well, Capricorn."
  Mandy: "Ehh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?"
  Wise men: "He is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews."
  Mandy: "And that's Capricorn, is it?"
  Wise man: "No, no, no. That's just him."
  Mandy: "Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'"
  

• Centurion: "What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus?" "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse?"
  Brian: "It... it says "Romans go home."
  Centurion: "No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on!"
  Brian: "Romanus?"
  Centurion: "Goes like...?"
  Brian: "Annus?"
  Centurion: "Vocative plural of "annus" is...?"
  Brian: "Anni."
  Centurion: "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt?"
  Brian: "Go."
  Centurion: "Conjugate the verb "to go."
  Brian: "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt."
  Centurion: "So "eunt" is...?"
  Brian: "Third person plural, present indicative. "They go."
  Centurion: "But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?"
  Brian: "Ah, imperative?"
  Centurion: "Which is…?"
  Brian: "Uh, uhm, "I!" "I!"
  Centurion: "How many Romans?"
  Brian: "Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite!" "Ite!"
  Centurion: "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”
  Brian: "Dative? "Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum."
  Centurion: "Except that "domus" takes the…?"
  Brian: "The locative, sir?"
  Centurion: "Which is…?"
  Brian: "Domum!"
  Centurion: "Domum." "Um." Understand?"
  Brian: "Yes, sir."
  Centurion: "Now write it out a 'undred times."
  Brian: "Yes sir, thank you, sir, Hail Caesar sir."
  Centurion: "Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off."
  Brian: "Oh thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir."
  Brian: "Finished!"
  Centurion: "Right. Now don't do it again."
  

• Brian: "People, we should be struggling together."
  PFJ member: "We are!"
  Brian: "No, we should be rising up against the common enemy."
  All: "The Judean People's Front?!"
  Brian: "No, no, the Romans!"
  

• Mandy: "Who are all those people?"
  Brian: "A few friends, popped by for a second."
  Mandy: "Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there."
  

• Brian: "I'm not the Messiah!"
  Arthur: "I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!"
  Crowd: "Hail, Messiah!"
  Brian: "I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!"
  Woman: "Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!"
  Brian: "What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!"
  Crowd: "He is! He is the Messiah!"
  Brian: "Now, fuck off!"
  Arthur: "How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?"
  Brian: "Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!"
  

• "Just when you thought you were saved..." - Taglines

• "Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic." - Taglines

• Nisus Wettus: "Crucifixion?"
  Mr. Cheeky: "Ah, no. Freedom."
  Nisus Wettus: "What?"
  Mr. Cheeky: "Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere."
  Nisus Wettus: "Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then."
  Mr. Cheeky: "No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!"
  Nisus Wettus: "Oh, I see, very good. Well..."
  Mr. Cheeky: "Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left."
  

• Stan: "I want to have babies."
  Reg: "You want to have babies?!?!"
  Stan: "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."
  Reg: "But you can't HAVE babies!"
  Stan: "Don't you oppress me!"
  Reg: "I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?"
  Judith: "Look, I have an idea. Let's just say that Stan can't have babies which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans but that he can have the right to have babies."
  Francis: "Agreed. We shall fight for your right to have babies, brother! Sister, sorry."
  Reg: "What's the point?"
  Francis: "What?"
  Reg: "What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?"
  Francis: "It is symbolic of our struggle against repression!"
  Reg: "Symbolic of his struggle against reality."
  

Quotes from Life of Brian

From the movie, here are some of Life of Brian quotes you can check."

• Pontius Pilate: "Now... What is youw name, Jew?"
  Brian: "Brian, sir."
  Pontius Pilate: "Bwian, eh?"
  Brian: "No no, Brian. (slaps) Ow!"
  

• "The film that is so funny it was banned in Norway." - Taglines

• "He wasn't the messiah. He was a very naughty boy." - Taglines

• "Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!" - Pontius Pilate

• Brian: "I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman."
  Pontius Pilate: "A Woman?"
  Brian: "No no, Roman." (slaps)
  

• Pontius Pilate: "So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?"
  Brian: "He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons."
  Pontius Pilate: "Weally? What was his name?"
  Brian: "Naughtius Maximus."
  

• Pontius Pilate: "Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?"
  Centurion: "Well, no sir."
  Pontius Pilate: "Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?"
  Centurion: "Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir."
  Pontius Pilate: "...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?"
  Centurion: "Well, it's a joke name, sir."
  Pontius Pilate: "I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus."
  

• Parvus: "It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two."
  Gregory: "It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?"
  Mrs. Gregory: "Oh, rather."
  Gregory: "Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.”
  

• Wise Man #1: "We were led by a star.
  Mandy Cohen: "Led by a bottle, more like.”
  

• Reg: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"
  Attendee: "Brought peace?"
  Reg: "Peace shut up!”
  

• Brian: "Lay off, I've had a hard time!"
  Ben: "You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.”
  

• “Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...” - Lead Singer Crucifee

• Francis: "Why are you always on about women, Stan?"
  Stan/Loretta: "I want to be one."
  Reg: "What?"
  Stan/Loretta: "I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'."
  Reg: "What?"
  Stan/Loretta: "It's my right as a man.”
  

• Mandy Cohen: "Who are you?"
  Wise Man #2: "We are three wise men."
  Mandy Cohen: "What?"
  Wise Man #1: "We are three wise men."
  Mandy Cohen: "What are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.”
  

• Reg: "What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?"
  Francis: "It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression."
  Reg: "It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.”
  

• "Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!" - Pontius Pilate

• “Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.” - Lead Singer Crucifee
  

• Brian: "There's no pleasing some people."
  Ex-leper: "That's just what Jesus said, sir."
  

• Brian: "Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!"
  Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!"
  Brian: "You're all different!"
  Crowd: "Yes, we are all different!"
  Man in crowd: "I'm not..."
  Crowd: "Shhh!"
  

• Reg: "We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."
  Brian: "What?"
  Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."
  

• "A motion picture destined to offend nearly two thirds of the civilized world. And severely annoy the other third." - Taglines

Life of Brian Stoning Quotes

These are some of the Life of Brian quotes, which are taken from The Stoning, one of the funniest scenes in the movie.

• Official: "You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to death."
  Matthias: "Look, I'd had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."
  Official: "Blasphemy! He's said it again."
  Women: "Yes, he did."
  Official: "Did you hear him?"
  Women: "Yes we did. Really."
  Official: (suspiciously) "Are there any women here today?"
  

• "Ow. Lay off.  We haven't started yet." - Matthias

• "There's always one, isn't there?  Now, where were we? ..." - Official

• "Look.  I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah!" - Matthias

• Matthias: "Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah."
  Official: "I'm warning you.  If you say "Jehovah" once more...(thrown by a stone) Right! Who threw that?"
  Women: "It was her...(low voices) It was *him*. It was him."
  Official: "Was it you?"
  Culprit: "Yes."
  Official: "All right."
  Culprit: "Well, you did say "Jehovah."
  

• "Stop that. Stop it, will you stop that. Now look, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. *Even*...and I want to make this absolutely clear...*even* if they *do* say "Jehovah." (Thrown rocks by crowds and a giant boulder) - Official
  

• Have you checked all of these Life of Brian quotes from this article? Which one you think is the funniest? Don't forget to tell to the people you love, but make sure they also love dark jokes as much as you.