60+ The Life of Brian Quotes: Dark Jokes by Monty Python to Make You Laugh
Jul 26, 2021 11:00 PM
Tripboba.com - 4 years after their masterpiece, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monty Python back again with another comedy movie, which is considered "darker" titled Monty Python's Life of Brian, in 1979.
What makes it darker is laid on the storyline and also the jokes. It tells about the story of a Jesus' neighbor, Brian Cohen (played by Chapman), a young Jewish-Roman man who is born on the same day as Jesus, and will be mistaken for the Messiah.
This storyline might be considered a "huge insult" to Christianity, but the comedy still will make everyone, including Christian, hold their stomach.
Tripboba will tell you how darker and funnier it is by collecting lots of Life of Brian quotes you can find inside this article. Check all of them with your own eyes.
Monty Python Life of Brian Quotes

Photo by awesomefilmtrailers from YouTube
Here are some Life of Brian quotes by Monty Python you can read.
- First Centurion: "What you mean "Could be worse?"
Matthias: "You could be stabbed."
First Centurion: "Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death."
Matthias: "At least it gets you out in the open air."
- Brian: "I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!"
Girl: "Only the true Messiah denies His divinity."
Brian: "What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!”
- Brian: "Why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?"
Ex-Leper: "I could do that sir. I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and...”
- Mandy Cohen: "The who?"
The Crowd: "The Messiah!"
Mandy Cohen: "There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!”
- Brian: "I am not the Messiah!"
Arthur: "I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.”
- Follower: "Excuse me, are you a virgin?"
Mandy Cohen: "I beg your pardon?"
Follower: "If it's not a personal question are you a virgin?"
Mandy Cohen: "If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!”
- Reg: "If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans."
Brian: "I do!"
Reg: "How much?"
Brian: "A lot!"
Reg: "Right, you're in.”
- Stan/Loretta: "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."
Reg: "But you can't have babies."
Stan/Loretta: "Don't you oppress me."
Reg: "Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?”
- Mrs. Gregory: "What's so special about the cheesemakers?"
Gregory: "Obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.”
- Nisus Wettus: "Crucifixion?"
Mr. Cheeky: "No, freedom actually."
Nisus Wettus: "What?"
Mr. Cheeky: "They said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.”
- Mr. Big Nose: "I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!"
Parvus: "Shut up, you Jewish turd!"
Mr. Big Nose: "Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!"
Gregory: "A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.”
- Brian: "Have I got a big nose, Mum?"
Mandy Cohen: "Stop thinking about sex!"
Brian: "I wasn't!"
Mandy Cohen: "You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
"See the movie that's controversial, sacrilegious, and blasphemous. But if that's not playing, see The Life of Brian." - Taglines
"Honk if you love Brian." - Taglines
“You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!” - Lead Singer Crucifee
- Brian: "No, no. Please, please please listen. I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: "Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: "Look, you've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!”
“What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.” - Reg
- Stan/Loretta: "Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose."
Mr. Big Nose: "Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!”
- Mandy Cohen: "What star sign is he?"
Wise Man #2: "Capricorn."
Mandy Cohen: "Capricorn? What are they like?"
Wise Man #2: "He is the son of God, our Messiah.”
The Life of Brian Quotes

Check more of Life of Brian Quotes down here.
- “Sex, sex, sex, that's all these kids talk about!” - Mandy Cohen
"What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem." - Reg
"Now, you listen here: 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now piss off!" - Mandy
"And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock..." - Boring Prophet
"A man shall strike his donkey." - Boring Prophet
"... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah..." - Blood and Thunder Prophet
- "Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say:
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble. Give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best. And...
Always look on the bright side of life.}- Mr. Frisbee III
- "Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!!!" - Pontius Pilate
"Oh! It's blessed are the meek! I'm glad they're getting something, they had a hell of a time..." - Mrs. Gregory
- Brian: "Hello, Mother."
Mandy: "Don't you "hello mother" me! What're all those people doing out there? C'mon, what've you been up to, my lad?"
Brian: "I think they must've popped by, or something."
Mandy: "Popped by? Swarmed by, more like! There's a multitude out there!"
- Person: "I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers."
Mrs. Gregory: "What's so special about the cheesemakers?"
Man: "Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products."
"Alright, I AM the messiah! Now, FUCK OFF!" - Brian
"He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called. She's called incontinentia, Incontinentia Buttocks." - Pontius Pilate
"Welease Woger!" - Pontius Pilate
"Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!" - Pontius Pilate
- Stan:" Alright, that's it! No more briefing! From now on, we take action!"
Judith: (breaking into the room) "Brian's been caught! They're going to nail him up!"
Stan: "Right! This calls for immediate discussion!"
- Revolutionary/Masked Commando: "Suicide squad... ATTACK!!! (whole group does hara-kiri) that'll show 'em, eh?" (dies)
Brian: "You silly sods..."
- "Charity for an ex-lepor?" - Man
- Mr. Cheeky: "Oi, I think he just said bless be all the big noses!"
Big Nose: "Alright, you say that ONCE more, and I'll punch you in the face!"
Mrs. Big Nose: "Oh, leave him alone! And don't pick your nose!"
Big Nose: "I wasn't picking it, I was scratching it!"
- Oh,
what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake
at night dreaming of being spat at in the face." - Prisoner
Best Life of Brian Quotes

Photo by awesomefilmtrailers from YouTube
These are some best Life of Brian quotes and jokes.
"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!" - Mandy
"Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" - Man
"You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! You're all different!" - Brian
- Reg: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, the
medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the
fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done
for us?"
PFJ Member: "Brought peace?"
Reg: "Oh, peace? SHUT UP!"
- Mandy: "So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?"
Wise man: "Mmmm?"
Mandy: "What star sign is he?"
Wise man: "Well, Capricorn."
Mandy: "Ehh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?"
Wise men: "He is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews."
Mandy: "And that's Capricorn, is it?"
Wise man: "No, no, no. That's just him."
Mandy: "Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'"
- Centurion: "What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus?" "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse?"
Brian: "It... it says "Romans go home."
Centurion: "No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on!"
Brian: "Romanus?"
Centurion: "Goes like...?"
Brian: "Annus?"
Centurion: "Vocative plural of "annus" is...?"
Brian: "Anni."
Centurion: "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt?"
Brian: "Go."
Centurion: "Conjugate the verb "to go."
Brian: "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt."
Centurion: "So "eunt" is...?"
Brian: "Third person plural, present indicative. "They go."
Centurion: "But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?"
Brian: "Ah, imperative?"
Centurion: "Which is…?"
Brian: "Uh, uhm, "I!" "I!"
Centurion: "How many Romans?"
Brian: "Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite!" "Ite!"
Centurion: "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”
Brian: "Dative? "Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum."
Centurion: "Except that "domus" takes the…?"
Brian: "The locative, sir?"
Centurion: "Which is…?"
Brian: "Domum!"
Centurion: "Domum." "Um." Understand?"
Brian: "Yes, sir."
Centurion: "Now write it out a 'undred times."
Brian: "Yes sir, thank you, sir, Hail Caesar sir."
Centurion: "Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off."
Brian: "Oh thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir."
Brian: "Finished!"
Centurion: "Right. Now don't do it again."
- Brian: "People, we should be struggling together."
PFJ member: "We are!"
Brian: "No, we should be rising up against the common enemy."
All: "The Judean People's Front?!"
Brian: "No, no, the Romans!"
- Mandy: "Who are all those people?"
Brian: "A few friends, popped by for a second."
Mandy: "Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there."
- Brian: "I'm not the Messiah!"
Arthur: "I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!"
Crowd: "Hail, Messiah!"
Brian: "I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!"
Woman: "Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!"
Brian: "What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!"
Crowd: "He is! He is the Messiah!"
Brian: "Now, fuck off!"
Arthur: "How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?"
Brian: "Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!"
"Just when you thought you were saved..." - Taglines
"Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic." - Taglines
- Nisus Wettus: "Crucifixion?"
Mr. Cheeky: "Ah, no. Freedom."
Nisus Wettus: "What?"
Mr. Cheeky: "Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere."
Nisus Wettus: "Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then."
Mr. Cheeky: "No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!"
Nisus Wettus: "Oh, I see, very good. Well..."
Mr. Cheeky: "Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left."
- Stan: "I want to have babies."
Reg: "You want to have babies?!?!"
Stan: "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."
Reg: "But you can't HAVE babies!"
Stan: "Don't you oppress me!"
Reg: "I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?"
Judith: "Look, I have an idea. Let's just say that Stan can't have babies which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans but that he can have the right to have babies."
Francis: "Agreed. We shall fight for your right to have babies, brother! Sister, sorry."
Reg: "What's the point?"
Francis: "What?"
Reg: "What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?"
Francis: "It is symbolic of our struggle against repression!"
Reg: "Symbolic of his struggle against reality."
Quotes from Life of Brian

From the movie, here are some of Life of Brian quotes you can check."
- Pontius Pilate: "Now... What is youw name, Jew?"
Brian: "Brian, sir."
Pontius Pilate: "Bwian, eh?"
Brian: "No no, Brian. (slaps) Ow!"
"The film that is so funny it was banned in Norway." - Taglines
"He wasn't the messiah. He was a very naughty boy." - Taglines
"Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!" - Pontius Pilate
- Brian: "I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman."
Pontius Pilate: "A Woman?"
Brian: "No no, Roman." (slaps)
- Pontius Pilate: "So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?"
Brian: "He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons."
Pontius Pilate: "Weally? What was his name?"
Brian: "Naughtius Maximus."
- Pontius Pilate: "Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?"
Centurion: "Well, no sir."
Pontius Pilate: "Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?"
Centurion: "Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir."
Pontius Pilate: "...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?"
Centurion: "Well, it's a joke name, sir."
Pontius Pilate: "I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus."
- Parvus: "It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two."
Gregory: "It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?"
Mrs. Gregory: "Oh, rather."
Gregory: "Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.”
- Wise Man #1: "We were led by a star.
Mandy Cohen: "Led by a bottle, more like.”
- Reg:
"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine,
public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public
health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"
Attendee: "Brought peace?"
Reg: "Peace shut up!”
- Brian: "Lay off, I've had a hard time!"
Ben: "You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.”
- “Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...” - Lead Singer Crucifee
- Francis: "Why are you always on about women, Stan?"
Stan/Loretta: "I want to be one."
Reg: "What?"
Stan/Loretta: "I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'."
Reg: "What?"
Stan/Loretta: "It's my right as a man.”
- Mandy Cohen: "Who are you?"
Wise Man #2: "We are three wise men."
Mandy Cohen: "What?"
Wise Man #1: "We are three wise men."
Mandy Cohen: "What are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.”
- Reg: "What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?"
Francis: "It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression."
Reg: "It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.”
- "Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!" - Pontius Pilate
- “Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.” - Lead Singer Crucifee
- Brian: "There's no pleasing some people."
Ex-leper: "That's just what Jesus said, sir."
- Brian:
"Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't
need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all
individuals!"
Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
Crowd: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man in crowd: "I'm not..."
Crowd: "Shhh!"
- Reg:
"We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do
hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you,
Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."
Brian: "What?"
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."
- "A motion picture destined to offend nearly two thirds of the civilized world. And severely annoy the other third." - Taglines
Life of Brian Stoning Quotes

These are some of the Life of Brian quotes, which are taken from The Stoning, one of the funniest scenes in the movie.
- Official:
"You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the
name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to death."
Matthias: "Look, I'd had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."
Official: "Blasphemy! He's said it again."
Women: "Yes, he did."
Official: "Did you hear him?"
Women: "Yes we did. Really."
Official: (suspiciously) "Are there any women here today?"
"Ow. Lay off. We haven't started yet." - Matthias
"There's always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? ..." - Official
"Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah!" - Matthias
- Matthias: "Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah."
Official: "I'm warning you. If you say "Jehovah" once more...(thrown by a stone) Right! Who threw that?"
Women: "It was her...(low voices) It was *him*. It was him."
Official: "Was it you?"
Culprit: "Yes."
Official: "All right."
Culprit: "Well, you did say "Jehovah."
- "Stop
that. Stop it, will you stop that. Now look, no one is to stone anyone
until I blow this whistle. *Even*...and I want to make this absolutely
clear...*even* if they *do* say "Jehovah." (Thrown rocks by crowds and a
giant boulder) - Official
- Have you checked all of these Life of Brian quotes from this article? Which one you think is the funniest? Don't forget to tell to the people you love, but make sure they also love dark jokes as much as you.
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