60 Funniest Marriage Jokes: They are Laugh-Worthy!

Funny Marriage Jokes

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As starter, we want to provide the best marriage jokes you can read. The following list is collected from different sources. So, enjoy!

1. "Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one."

2. "Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”"

3. "My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March."

4. "Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that."

5. "When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why."

6. "Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. "

7. "Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!"

8. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!"

9. "What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law."

10. "I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore, please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone."

11. "The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”"

12. "Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible."

13. "Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life."

14. "Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”"

15. "You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today."

Clean Marriage Jokes

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Without taking it seriously, the following marriage jokes can bring laughter and smile to your face. If you’re wondering about marriage jokes, you can take a look at this list:

16. "A reporter asked a man how he felt when he found out that he won the lottery."

"As soon I saw the numbers line up, I knew it was going to be wife changing!"

17. "I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with. She said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens.""

18. ""Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband then looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past twenty years.""

19. "My wife told me I was immature... So, I told her to get out of my pillow fort."

20. My wife: "You need to do more chores around the house."

Me: "Can we change the subject?"

My wife: "Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

21. "I love being married... It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

22. "My wife and I had a disagreement and she said, "You always play devil's advocate!" I said, "Well, not all the time.""

23. "I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning... Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore."

24. "What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin Ireland?"

"An Irish sitter."

26. "My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”"

"So, I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house."

27. "My wife won't let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep... She is infringing on my right to bear arms."

28. "When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?"

"On their Wedding Day!"

29. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."

30. "Top 3 situations that require witnesses: Crimes, Accidents, Marriages. Need I say more?"

Jokes About Marriage

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Marriage can be hard. But the best ones are those who can figure it out, who can love, and who can have fun with it.

When you’ve lived, you know you need humor and laughter. Tripboba’s version of marriage jokes are good for your reading. Here they are:

31. "My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those."

32. "As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it."

33. "I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer."

34. "On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items."

35. "My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?”"

36. "A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”"

37. Marriage Counselor: "So, what brings you here today?"

Wife: "He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it."

Husband: "My truck."

38. "Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”"

39. "I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"

40. "My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night."

41. "A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!""

42. "I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”"

43. "My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic."

44. "When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”"

45. "Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?"

"Because she was frigid."

Funny Jokes About Marriage

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Jokes like marriage jokes are sometimes needed to loosen up tenses. Here are more marriage jokes for your entertainment:

46. "What’s the difference between love and marriage?"

"Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!"

47. "Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic… Sorry, wrong wedding."

48. "Why did the bee get married?"

"Because he found his honey."

49. "Why did the Mormon cross the road?"

"To get to the other bride."

50. "Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!"

51. "My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me."

52. ". I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her, “At least the wedding went off without a hitch.”"

53. Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."

54. "My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."

55. "Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring."

56. "Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken."

57. "Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything."

58. "What makes a good wife? One who helps her husband with the washing up! And, What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep? It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway."

59. " If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace."

60. "Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail."