70+ Jokes in English That are Actually Hilarious, They Want Disappoint!

70+ Jokes in English That are Actually Hilarious, They Want Disappoint!
Jokes in English - Photo by Rodolfo Quirós from Pexels
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Tripboba.com - Well I think everyone loves a good laugh. This is especially true for fellow English known for their hilarious sarcasm — they also love to laugh at themselves!

If English isn’t your first language, it can be tricky to get jokes in English at first as they’re filled with silliness and sarcasm, but if you enjoy some quality laugh, they won’t disappoint!

In this article, Tripboba has got you covered with over 70 jokes in English that you’ll actually love. So just pick your favorite lines and go crack a joke!

Funny jokes in English

Clean funny adult jokes in English

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  • I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm. I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
  • Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
  • What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
  • Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that.
  • My wife accused me the other day of being too immature. I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  • What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers.
  • What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
  • I started a new job as a tailor last week. It’s been sew-sew.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  • What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
  • Why are crabs so bad at sharing? Because they’re all shellfish.
  • Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

Dirty jokes in English for adults

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  • What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
  • What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!
  • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
  • What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  • What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
  • I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s/he’s been with. She/he said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
  • Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
  • They say make-up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
  • Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!
  • Whats 72? 69 with three people watching.
  • How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
  • What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
  • What comes after 69? mouthwash.
  • How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
  • How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
  • What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit
  • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me!
  • What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter
  • What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
  • I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
  • I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70.
  • Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.
  • I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
  • Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD, and all I need is U.

Short jokes in English from Redditors

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  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. — Scrappy_Larue
  • They say I'm addicted to brake fluid. I can stop anytime I want. —  Captain9653
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. — halestormcc
  • Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba-dum tish! — ItinerantMonkey
  • A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop. — tgoddess
  • What time does Sean Connery show up to Wimbledon? Tennish. — kbosahan
  • What does a nosy pepper do? He gets jalapeño business. — Fetrinol
  • Where do leprechauns keep their armies? In their sleevies! — World-Leader-Pretend
  • What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that [tiny thing]?" — free_willi
  • A man goes to the zoo and the only animal there is one dog. It is a shitzhu. — SidechainZ
  • Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it. — FigurativeBodySlam
  • I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday. Man, my kleptomania is out of control. — THEJudgeFudge
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

Jokes for kids in English

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  • What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looks at the sky? Looks like rain, dear.
  • Can February march? No, but April may!
  • What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
  • Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
  • What is a tornado’s favorite game to play? Twister!
  • Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted!
  • Why should you not let a bear operate the remote? He will keep pressing the paws button.
  • What type of markets do dogs avoid? Flea markets!
  • Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
  • What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
  • Did you hear about the carrot detective? He always got to the root of every case.
  • Where do snowmen keep their savings? In the snowbank.
  • What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.
  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.
  • Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season? No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

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